Twelve Months

Yesterday marked 12 months since She passed from this physical earth.

It’s been the longest, hardest twelve months I’ve ever been through. I wish I could say I’ve healed, but to be brutally honest with myself. I really haven’t healed that much. All I’ve really done is mask the hurt, or hidden from it. I want to be better. I want to be OK. I want to be able to think back with fond memories and not cry for Her.

I can’t. The only way I cope is to block Her from my heart and mind. I block Her beautiful children and Her most special, gifted grand-daughter from my mind and I hide away somewhere in a fantasy where She doesn’t exist. That way I don’t have to go through that pain. It’s an extremely selfish way to live, but if I don’t do it that way, I know I will slowly die from grief.

I need to live. I need to give Love. I can’t grieve and give Love at the same time. At least, that’s how I think I feel. I mean, I have been really happy for some time now, but that’s because I haven’t allowed myself to think of Her, or my past life before that August day last year. When I do, I fall again. And I don’t want to be in that dark place anymore. I want to live and Love again.

I’ve been told it takes a long long time to ‘get over’ something like this. I guess I’ve been trying to rush the process. I’m just all fucked up and trying desperately to not be. I don’t know anything really.

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6 Comments

  1. quirkycharm said,

    October 22, 2012 at 4:23 am

    Brad, from my experience, I have found that I’ve compartmentalized. For me it has been nearly four years and I am happy again. Happy enough that I got married last week. But I haven’t forgotten and it is like a part of me is walled off. I revisit and each time it still seems so fresh, like I could drown if I let myself. I think your heart just expands to let others in eventually, without the orginal inhabitant being displaced in any way.

    Hugs to you, my friend.

    Keep on keeping on because that is what she wanted for you.

    Kitty

  2. Lauri said,

    October 22, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Yes. Do keep going, because as impossible as it seems even now, there will come a day when you can be happy again. It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline for it. Everyone deals in their own way and time. Don’t be hard on yourself.
    It’s not unusual for the hardest part to last two years or more.
    Tina wants you to be happy again….but take your time.

  3. October 23, 2012 at 5:00 am

    We’re not built to lock into one emotion for a long period of time. At some point, the body wants to move on in order to eat, sleep, take a breath of fresh air, and so you follow along. That you want to block off memories of Tina in order to move forward isn’t selfish. It’s just Life. She wouldn’t want you to stop living on her account, not if she loved you as much as you love her. She also wants you to be happy. So be that. Let yourself smile and laugh, and if you want to cry sometimes, that’s fine too.

    My husband died 23 years ago this month. I don’t cry anymore when I think of him, but I do sigh. It’s usually when I think of our children and how much he would have wanted to see them grow up, even if he wouldn’t have always agreed with their choices. Then I get a little choked up. But not for long.

  4. Karen Gibson said,

    October 1, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    My friend from Many years ago,what do I say to you,But I’m really sorry, Loved looking at your Photo’s and the journey you had in the Green Bus with your dearest,How much fun it was, great memories for you to go back to, By the way you haven’t changed a bit,still loving nature & all that is beautiful in this world we live in,wishing you all the best my friend X Karen

  5. February 23, 2015 at 6:35 am

    Time to moved on and forget the past find a lady and be happy you won.t find it here.

  6. February 25, 2015 at 7:11 am

    I will be with your journey all the way no matter what you are a special person.


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