10 Days

Written a little while ago (30-10-2011). I need to post this.

It’s been Ten days without you in my reach. And the only time I can touch you is in my sleep.
Thankyou Missy Higgins.

Amidst the chaos of a fancy dress after party, with mad 20 something friends running amok. Doof Doof on the music machine. Zombieland on the DVD.  It really has been a nice night. A good night. Funny even.

But…

I’ve realised that getting slightly drunk and very stoned still doesn’t make me numb. It’s quite pointless really, because (and I know this is selfish) I have to go back home on Tuesday and sort through all our stuff.
I know fullwell that alcohol and an excess of my chosen medicine does not make things better.
I teeter on the edge of emotional devastation and being functional. I miss my Phoenix but at the same time I seem to be comfortable somewhat. But every day since Thursday I feel I am being urgently pulled back to Cooktown. Forgive my outside the box mentality, but I am being pulled home. I need to be there.
But that is not the reason for this log post.

When my rock, my baby, my lover, my best friend, my ‘reason’ was in Townsville, she was given a booklet to write in from her sister. Now I can’t recall if Tina wrote this pre or post operation, but the image below is two pages of what she wrote. At the time I read it and didn’t really ‘see’ what she’d written. As most of you know, Tina was a gifted writer. Whether it be fiction or her blog posts, she could draw an audience and create a vision.

This is what my dear friend was trying to say I think:

“I wanted more time. It would be much nicer if I had extra time. Just a couple more New Moons”.

This will be my last mournful post about my baby. From now on, I will only mention happy times and memories.

image

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8 Comments

  1. Lauri said,

    November 6, 2011 at 8:49 am

    You have so many awesome memories.

    I hope if you feel the urge to post some sadness now and then you will go ahead and do it.
    It’s definitely going to be coming and going in the coming days.

    My dear friends’ daughter is fighting a losing battle at age 22. Everyone should have more New Moons. What a beautiful visual. And maybe Tina is having a New Moon right now.

  2. Nikki said,

    November 6, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Oh Uncle Brad, please dont feel like you have to stop writing about her, or like you have to shield us from your grief, this is your platform and those of us reading love you, and loved her, and we’re here because we want to know you better, even when that involves sadness or hopelessness. Be true to yourself Uncle Brad, I know Tina didn’t want you to fall apart after she passed away, but she wouldn’t want you hiding yourself and your broken heart away behind empty smiles. It’s okay to be sad. Forever if you need to be. We’ll be here listening and loving you no matter what.

  3. Big Sister Roz said,

    November 6, 2011 at 11:30 am

    I have the most amazing daughter in the world, who communicates so eloquently, what the rest of us want to say to you. So … what she said **points up** … I love you my lovely brother.

  4. John Hansen said,

    November 6, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    That’s touching Brad. Tina will always be here in our hearts. I know you have lost a part of you, but will carry on stronger for having known her.

    Kathy has lost her only real ally and sharer of a common bond in relation to the past family dramas. Now she has to face the animosity alone, until perhaps, as in Tina’s case, it’s too late.

    I wish you well, be strong, and live your life. See you again some day my friend.

  5. November 6, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Don’t ever feel you have to apologize for being sad. There’s nothing that says you have to “get over it” in a certain number of days, weeks, or even years.

    Tina lives in your memories. No, she wouldn’t want you to linger in sadness, but she wouldn’t want you to hide your feelings either, if she’s a free spirit.

    And don’t worry about your readers: they want your honesty and your strength. Those are there in your writing as well.

    Sending you warm and positive thoughts over the Pacific!

  6. lauowolf said,

    November 6, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    One of my favorite poems is on the subject of “just a little more”
    Housman’s Loveliest of Trees
    It ends up:

    And since to look at things in bloom,
    Fifty springs is little room,
    About the woodlands I will go
    To see the cherry hung with snow.

    There is never enough time, fifty years or a few new moons, being finite human time is too short.
    And always even shorter for those who really look and see and live.

    I remember when I lost my mother, realizing that it was unfair to mock the Victorians with their rigid systems of mourning dress.
    Because I was walking wounded, and people couldn’t tell, just seeing me.
    And you’ve lost your other self.
    There isn’t any structure or framework or schedule.
    There’s just living through it.
    Sometimes life is nearly normal, and others it is impossible.
    But it only comes one day after another, one new moon after another for you to see for her.

  7. bob said,

    November 6, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    be well brad..

    and remember, that now you’re just seeing those new moons from different vantage points and I know that tina is always with you…

  8. GOF said,

    November 9, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Hang in there Brad with all the memories both sad and happy. Share them both whenever you feel like it.


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